A Shout-Out To My Homie, Therapy

I want to take a moment to give a huge shout-out to my homie and road dog, therapy. Good lookin' out, homie!

Real talk? I've been having a difficult last few months. A difficult 2021, to be honest. White supremacy and racism have been beating me down after years of doing the bare minimum to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Working in white supremacist workplace cultures trying to push for meaningful and deep long-term work had taken its toll on me. By the summer of this year, I was drained. I found myself falling into old patterns of wanting to overdo it, fight harder, with no support system in place in the workplace in the face of white fragility and white violence. I saw my feelings of failure and blaming myself for why things aren't moving forward reacquaint themselves in my life as a familiar albatross on my neck after countless years of fighting it off. I felt like I wasn't of any help to anyone with melanated skin. It took some hard conversations with myself to realize that I had to stop thinking that I had all the answers and that I could "fix it on my own" and finally seek therapy from a Black therapist, someone who would understand me and the complexities of being Black. And honestly?

I cannot hammer home how essential the need for therapy for Black folx, for people of color, is y'all.

Therapy has helped me be firmer with my boundaries than ever before. It's allowed me the space to truly think about embracing joy and engaging in mindfulness and self-care in better ways. It's given me an increasingly important set of tools to center myself in the face of whiteness and oppression. Most importantly, I feel like the weights that have been on my ankles for years are finally unshackled. I feel more and more mentally and emotionally free with each passing session. I have a new focus on my personal and professional goals and now believe more than ever that I can attain those goals.

If you're Black, if you're a person of color, and you're struggling right now please know that you're not alone. If you are privileged to be able to do so, please use sites like Clinicians of Color to find a therapist of color in your area and get the support and validation you deserve. Prioritize yourself. You can't help anyone if you aren't willing to help yourself.

https://www.cliniciansofcolor.org/

Monday's Opening Thought: October 25, 2021

This week’s opening thought for those who make leadership decisions in organizations: There is NO simple fix for the decades of systemic oppression and white supremacy that you’ve allowed to happen unabated in your company for decades. Quit looking for one.

There’s no one-off training that’ll suddenly abolish the toxic ways your white male managers treat and talk down to Black women under their supervision.

No anti-racism “checklist” exists that will automatically stop the patriarchy protecting white women in your workplace from pulling out the white tears whenever they’re called out for their words and actions.

No monthly anti-racism book club will Thanos snap the microaggressions and oppression Olympics and white victimhood away.

No equity audit will instantly change the minds of your board of directors or the senior leadership team who do not believe that racism, sexism, homophobia, and transphobia are running rampant in your company. It will not change their thinking that these issues only impact a couple of people and are not a core part of your company culture.

Everybody wants the quick solution, the thing that will make all of the hateful things their company let become a seamless part of the workplace culture go away so that they can brag that they “defeated hate.” They want the nuke that’ll put it down, once and for all, with minimal damage to the surrounding area and the villagers near the explosion. The thing is, it took your company countless decades to allow this hate kaiju to grow into a damn near unstoppable creature fed by decades of your neglect and gaslighting.

Why do you think it won’t take decades to put the hate kaiju you and everyone who has had power and positionality for decades in your company allowed to manifest and gain sentience down? And down for good at that?

You’re going to need more than a nuke to kill this beast of your creation. Better get to work before you run out of villagers to sacrifice.

The Return of the Coffee or Lunch Phenomenon

I want to take a moment to touch on a phenomenon I had hoped a pandemic and physical distancing put an end to. The phenomenon in question?

The phenomenon of white people asking me out to lunch or coffee to "pick my brain" about anti-racism instead of paying me my consultant rate for my time.

C'mon, white people. Seriously. I feel like we've talked about this at least 20 times. You've been to my website. You often contact me through my website. Yet, you still want to offer me food or drink instead of monetary compensation for my time and energy. Asking people of color, Black people, to provide you with their trauma experiences for a cup of coffee or a sandwich is white supremacy, classism, power, and positionality at play. I am not a pet. I cannot be placated or bribed to cater to your needs with an offer of food and drink. If you want to enlist my consulting services and "pick my brain," my rate is $150 an hour.

Pay Black people for their time and energy with cash, not a damn latte. Pay people of color for sharing their experiences with you with money they can use to take care of themselves and their families and communities, not a chicken sandwich.

Y'all don't even realize how transparent your belief in our value is, do you?

Monday's Opening Thought: October 18, 2021

This week’s opening thought: I feel like it’s time to circle back around to the concept of trust. We went there a little last week but we’ve still got much to discuss. I’ve heard the word trust a lot lately in organizations that I work for and with, and I think it’s time for a refresher course on how the concept of trust works in the workplace.

Companies often ask me to help them in their quest to get their employees to trust them after years, sometimes decades, of constantly dismantling trust and faith in them and the organization’s decisions that they co-sign either with zeal or inaction. Leaders, supervisors, managers, and department heads – they all want me to conjure up the “right” mix of checklists and one-off trainings to make those who work under them trust them again. Of course, the mental and emotional labor and difficult conversations that come with rebuilding trust and holding themselves accountable for eroding trust ain’t on the table. People like me are supposed to be the vessel to push employees into finding the company and its leaders trustworthy again. And this is supposed to be done without those with power, positionality, and white privilege participating in the reconciliation and accountability process.

Y’all are a case study in why it takes a lifetime to shift organizational culture. Y’all are also a case study of how patriarchal white supremacy works. What does that case study prove?

That too many people, especially white people, believe that there is power in trust but not in the accountability and humanity that fosters, builds, and rebuilds trust once it’s been broken.

You don’t get to have people trust you without earning trust and making sure your words and actions engender a consistent belief that you are trustworthy. And if you stumble and fracture that trust? Then you have to be willing to atone for your missteps and get back on the horse to prove once again that you are trustworthy. But y’all don’t want that kind of responsibility. Y’all want a 60-minute palatable-to-people-of-pallor non-mandatory training paired with a marginalized person you’ve hired to advocate for you and sell folx on a narrative around why you should be trusted. And even if you constantly do and say things to said person to solidify that they won’t trust you either, you expect them to give it their all to make others trust you. What does that do? Well, you force your new “diversity hire” to decide to either maintain their integrity and face being fired or pushed out or throw their credibility in the nearest garbage can and cape for you.

Does that sound like a relationship built on trust to you?

Do you want people’s trust? Earn it. Be human. Own your responsibility in fracturing and eroding trust. But quit trying to find a middle person to do it for you.

There ain’t no such thing as trust by proxy.

Consulting and Coaching for EDI Consultants and Trainers is Here!

So announcement time! I am now offering anti-racism consulting, equity and inclusion consulting, burnout mitigation guidance, and overall support for anti-racism and equity trainers, facilitators, and consultants.

I know from experience how heavy, draining, and isolating this work can be. I’ve faced periods of burnout, fatigue, and shaken faith in the purpose of this hard but necessary work. I’ve been fortunate enough to come out of the other side of these struggles with new practices to center my mental and emotional health and well-being while de-centering the guilt and failure that can often come with doing this vital work in white supremacist workplaces. I want to take my decade of experience in the trenches, implementing difficult change in workplaces while centering myself to have the energy to support others, dismantle feelings of guilt and failure, and de-center whiteness to work for other EDI consultants, trainers, and facilitators.

The goal of this service? To offer consultants something that isn’t always accessible or available to them: a thought partner with experience implementing and executing short-term and long-term strategies while supporting EDI practitioners and leading groups and networking events tailored to giving EDI practitioners a community in an isolating field of work.

So many EDI practitioners are doing this work in areas and regions of the United States where they do not have a team, thought partners, accomplices, or general support in their endeavors. So many folx across the United States want to begin careers focused on pushing for equity, inclusion, and anti-racism in systems and workplaces but don’t know where to start or what their focus should be. Thanks to technology, though, I can offer support and insight to folx nationwide and help you fulfill your goals in this work while taking care of yourself. This means we can work together to remove those barriers to thought partnership, learning, coaching, and community and help EDI practitioners find their mental, emotional, and physical footing in this work.

Are you thinking of starting a career in equity and inclusion but are unsure of where to start? I can help you navigate what approaches and focus areas will utilize and amplify your lived experience, perspectives, and talents.

Are you an EDI consultant, trainer, or facilitator who is struggling with burnout and feelings of failure? I can help you begin re-centering yourself inside and outside of your work and embrace ways to take care of your mental and emotional health.

Are you an EDI consultant, trainer, or facilitator who is struggling to get over the white fragility/violence discomfort wall with a client? I can help you get your head around building and implementing new approaches to discussion and training that can break down those barriers while de-centering white comfort.

Are you an EDI consultant, trainer, or facilitator who is struggling with feeling isolated in your work and looking for not only solidarity but a thought partner and confidant? I can be your thought partner and a new line of support.

My rate for these specially focused consults is $150 for one (1) 60-90 minute session; a 4-session package is available for $550. The initial meeting to discuss your needs and focus areas and to ascertain if I am the right fit for the support you’re seeking is free. If you decide to move forward with me after the initial consult I will begin my work with you collaborating on building a roadmap regarding what we’ll be working on/focusing on together that is flexible yet centered on your needs and goals. We will use that roadmap to kickstart our work.

If you are an anti-racism and equity trainer, facilitator, or consultant and you think I might be able to help you with any of the above (or possibly even something not listed above) please feel free to drop me a line so we can take action together!