This Week's Opening Thought: September 6, 2022

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This week’s opening thought: people change when they feel it is worthwhile for them and the people in their lives to change and evolve, to be better, more equitable, and humane individuals.

The homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, ableist, racist, classist, white supremacy-driven, religion-bashing people in your life could change if they felt it was worthwhile.

But they don’t.

Real talk? No matter how much you try to reason with those family members, parents, long-time friends, and co-workers to help them see how their hateful views harm you and others, you’ll walk away sad and frustrated. No matter how much empathy you try to hold for them, those people send you a loud and clear message: changing their beliefs for you isn’t a worthwhile enough endeavor.

Yeah, that sounds harsh. I know it does. And I don’t mean to harm anyone with these words. But I have been on the journey you’re likely on right now, trying to “reform” hateful people, and that journey is a long and painful one that rarely yields positive dividends. Some people in your life will never stop being harmful to you, no matter how much they swear they love and care about you. Who you are will always be in direct opposition with their comfort and need to be hateful to avoid processing their traumas.

You deserve better relationships than that. We all do.

Don’t allow co-dependence and the “eternal hope” that someone will change and evolve to stop you from seeing that it is time for your energy to be placed elsewhere. You deserve warmth and sunshine, not a reasonable facsimile thereof.

On Soapboxing, Milk Crating, Racism, and Ukraine

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The fact that there are droves of white people up in arms over Black people sending their support to the citizens of Ukraine while calling out the European-flavored racism and white supremacy that is blatantly on display as Black folx are trying to flee an under siege Ukraine clearly says four things about white U.S. Americans.

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The Return of the Coffee or Lunch Phenomenon

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I want to take a moment to touch on a phenomenon I had hoped a pandemic and physical distancing put an end to. The phenomenon in question?

The phenomenon of white people asking me out to lunch or coffee to "pick my brain" about anti-racism instead of paying me my consultant rate for my time.

C'mon, white people. Seriously. I feel like we've talked about this at least 20 times. You've been to my website. You often contact me through my website. Yet, you still want to offer me food or drink instead of monetary compensation for my time and energy. Asking people of color, Black people, to provide you with their trauma experiences for a cup of coffee or a sandwich is white supremacy, classism, power, and positionality at play. I am not a pet. I cannot be placated or bribed to cater to your needs with an offer of food and drink. If you want to enlist my consulting services and "pick my brain," my rate is $150 an hour.

Pay Black people for their time and energy with cash, not a damn latte. Pay people of color for sharing their experiences with you with money they can use to take care of themselves and their families and communities, not a chicken sandwich.

Y'all don't even realize how transparent your belief in our value is, do you?