On Conversations about Racism, Conflict, and the Dangerous Art of Avoidance

Image Description: A picture of two people arguing. Silhouettes of their heads and hands can be seen in the foreground as they engage in a shouting match. In the background, a witness to the altercation can be seen covering their ears while wearing a blindfold.

Whiteness often looks at discussions about race as too confrontational, too heavy, too steeped in conflict. Many white people aren't looking to engage in this kind of conflict. It's scary. It's counterintuitive to the lessons of whiteness. But here's the thing: this work is conflict. It's a conflict with your values, your beliefs, your behaviors. It's a conflict with the white people in your life from whom you learned your values and beliefs. It's engaging in conflict with your history of perpetuating and participating in oppression.

It's conflict. Period.

There's no way you can talk about unpacking and unlearning 400+ years of white-led oppressive states, actions, and indoctrinated beliefs and have it be roses and kittens and kumbaya. It's not comfortable to talk about. It will never be comfortable to talk about. Nothing traumatic and generationally damaging will ever be comfortable to talk about. But we have to dive in and talk about this pain; we have to engage in this conflict. It's a matter of life, death, and breaking the chains of oppressive generational cycles - yours and mine. Avoidance doesn't promote change or make dealing with these conflicts any easier. It makes them worse and more untenable. Thinking that "somebody else will handle it" and that your whiteness absolves you of having to engage deeply has yet to yield long-term change for white people and white culture.

Does it suck that your white forefathers have left these conflicts in your lap to deal with? Sure. But don't do what they did and pass these conflicts on for the next generation to engage with and address. It might suck for you to engage in this conflict. But it sucks worse for Black folx, for Native folx, for people of color in the United States far more than it ever will for you when you choose to avoid these conflicts.

Monday's Opening Thought: January 11, 2021

This week’s opening thought: This is not a time for “unity” and “forgiveness.” We’re beyond this being a “time for healing.” Maybe I’m goin’ out on a limb here but I think those boats set sail into the Bermuda Triangle with no option for return right around the time a large mostly white smattering of domestic terrorists tried to overthrow the United States government last week. I don’t want to “forgive” y’all, white America. I don’t wanna “unite” and act like nothing happened after a couple of months of “healing.”

I want y’all to finally, FINALLY, face the repercussions for your actions, as individuals and as a collective.

I want white America to pay the price for overwhelmingly electing a hateful egotistical white conman as this country’s President in 2015. I want white America to pay for overwhelmingly trying to re-elect that conman to a second term. I want white America to watch as those who were driven by their generational trauma and belief in their white superiority to try to overthrow the government go to jail for a long time and have their lives dismantled by their actions.

For once in this country’s history I want white America to actually be held accountable for the pain they’ve caused and the lives they’ve threatened and taken, not just last week but in general.

How about y’all start individually and collectively being active participants in upholding and practicing accountability for awhile white people? How about y’all start addressing your faux patriotism and upholding of white supremacy? How about y’all start doing some of all of that before asking for forgiveness again for the continuous cycle of pain y’all put this country and its Black, Brown, Indigenous, and non-white citizenry through.

You can’t heal a bone you keep breaking, white people. And you shouldn’t be forgiven for breaking it again and again and not resetting it to allow it to heal - not this time.

Monday's Opening Thought: December 28, 2020

An opening thought as we wind down 2020: Are you ending 2020 still trying to have rational conversations with hateful people spewing easily-debunked rhetoric or paper-thin justifications for why they are racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, transphobic, and/or ableist? Still trying to get Trump supporters to see things differently? Are you hoping they’ll hear your words and you’ll break through and appeal to their humanity? If your answers to any of those questions is “yes” then answer this question for me:

Why in the Hell are you still having these conversations?!

I mean c’mon, y’all. You’re wasting your time and energy. This year has been draining enough. Why would you want to end your year with this sh—? They’re not gonna hear you, y’know. They haven’t heard you all year. They believe they are right and just in their views and beliefs and that you are the one who’s wrong and misguided. If you walk away from 2020 with three lessons you’ve learned let one of those three be that going forward you should only engage with those who are actually open to discourse, open to changing and evolving. Anyone else ain’t worth it. Leave them behind and move yo’ ass down that yellow brick road toward your own self care.

If these people are family and friends? Well, sounds like you’re long overdue for some new chosen family members and some new friends.

And if these people are co-workers, high-ranking executives in your workplace, or even your boss? And your human resources department and other leaders in your organization refuse to address the issues? Send me your resume and we’ll work together to try and find you another job.

Leave these toxic conversations and toxic people in the toxic year that was 2020.

Happy New Years.

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Monday's Opening Thought: November 9, 2020

This week’s opening thought: Biden and Harris just made history. That should be celebrated. But don’t let your celebrating overshadow one thing:

You know this ain’t over, right?

We’re barely just getting started.

It’s time for this country, these United States, to put in that work. LONG OVERDUE WORK. You don’t get to stand at the bottom of a staircase, step onto the first step, then declare victory like you climbed Everest. And you don’t get to decide to not walk yo’ ass up the rest of dem stairs because you think you’ve done your part and other people can handle the rest. You do realize fascism and white supremacy aren’t suddenly defeated, right? They are alive and thriving. We’re long overdue for holding an administration accountable for leading this country toward being more equitable, inclusive, and anti-racist. This is the time. This is the administration.

So save the champagne bottle poppin’ and the pizza party for when we’ve actually done some real work as a nation and we start seeing real inroads toward progress.

Time to get to work.

Time to start gettin’ yo’ ass up dem stairs.