On Friends, How Many of Us Have Them, and What Friends Are For

I feel like I say this once a year, around this time of year, so I suppose it's about that time to repeat it:

Black folx, people of color, marginalized folx don't always want to be your friend, white people. Especially white people with power, privilege, and positionality.

Not at work. Not outside of work. Not on a boat. Not on a goat. Not with a fox. Not in a box.

We're not obligated to be "buddies" with those who will not step up for us. Us being your "buddy" shouldn't be a prerequisite for you maybe speaking up and speaking out every once in a blue moon. We're not here to help you complete your United Colors of Benneton or Diversity Bingo cards. We're not here to help you have bragging rights or make you "feel good," or validate your actions and behaviors.

Friendships, hell, relationships are built on establishing and maintaining trust, something that far too many white folx and people with privilege and power think are givens. Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is not a given. All relationships take consistent work and effort and maintaining deeper relationships like friendships hinge on this consistent work and effort. Many of y'all expect us to put in the work of being vulnerable with you and holding space for you and your needs while you reap the benefits with little to no reciprocation. This is not a healthy dynamic. If you aren't willing to put in the work but expect Black folx, people of color, marginalized folx to carry all of the weight for you, you are either consciously or unconsciously fine with having abusive relationships with oppressed folx.

Either be a ride or die or keep on ridin' by.

A Blessed Erev Rosh Hashanah

שנה טובה! ערב ראש השנה מבורך לכל חברי היהודים, בני משפחתי ועמיתי היהודים.

גוט יאָר! א ברוך ערב ראש השנה צו אַלע מיינע אידישע פריינד, פאַמיליע און חברים.

Good year! A blessed Erev Rosh Hashanah to all of my Jewish friends, family, and colleagues.

For my non-Jewish friends, family, and colleagues who want to learn more about Rosh Hashanah please do so at this link, courtesy of My Jewish Learning: https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/rosh-hashanah-2021/.

[ID: A picture of some of the symbols of Rosh Hashanah: a shofar (ram's horn), honey, apples, and pomegranates against a very light blue surface. The surface is decorated with some colorful confetti and wooden cutouts of apples and pomegranates, as well as a chalice. The honey is in an apple-shaped dish.]

Monday's Opening Thought: September 6, 2021

This week’s opening thought: you can have intersectional identities or struggle with the weights of intersectionality and still be an oppressor.

Let me say that again, just in case anyone thinks they read that wrong.

You can have intersectional identities or struggle with the weights of intersectionality and still be an oppressor.

You can be a gay white male and subscribe to classist ideologies while reaping the benefits of white supremacy and racism.

You can be a Black affluent lesbian and be openly anti-Asian.

You can be a straight Korean cis male and be openly anti-Black.

You can be a white woman who identifies as a feminist who does not practice intersectional feminism.

You can be a non-binary Indigenous person and be an ableist.

You can be a Black cis-hetero male and be loudly homophobic and transphobic.

You can be a Jewish man and be openly xenophobic.

You can be a Chinese trans woman with a disability and be anti-Semitic.

Just because you are facing oppression due to your identities being linked to one or more oppressive states does not mean that you can’t be an oppressor too and contribute to the oppressive states of others. Your personal oppressions do not exempt you from levying out oppression and hate.

Monday's Opening Thought: August 30, 2021

Monday’s opening thought, a pro tip for white people and people of color with power, privilege, and positionality in companies: Y’all do realize that you can hire global majority folx, Black and Brown folx, marginalized folx for positions in your companies that aren’t related to EDI work, right? Just making sure y’all knew that we have a myriad of skills and career aspirations that aren’t connected to “making your company less racist.” Take note that all of us aren’t looking to be or even want to be an “EDI expert.” You can hire us for any other job openings y’all might have. We do other things, you know. We OFFER other things. We should be more to your company than what you think you can “learn” through our pain and generational trauma.

Besides, y’all be out here looking for a Pegasus in a world full of horses. Y’all be out here looking for a mythical negro, person of color, queer-identifying person, or person with a disability who somehow has 10 years of experience in a field that didn’t really exist 10 years ago who’s doing palatable and watered-down “EDI work” that won’t offend white people that work for your company that is happily willing to accept 50K a year, if that, because that’s what your company thinks their labor is worth.

Quit looking for something that doesn’t exist.

If we’re talking about racism, white supremacy, and oppression white people and people of color with privilege and power in your company aren’t supposed to be comfortable. Accept that. And pay global majority folx and marginalized folx real equitable salaries for the mental, physical, and emotional energy we have to expend while doing this work with y’all. Better yet, pay us real equitable salaries even if it ain’t EDI work just for having to exist and try to thrive in white workplaces with little to no support.