This Week's Opening Thought: February 20, 2023

This week’s opening thought: There is nothing wrong with side-eying advice given to you by people who lack an understanding of your culture and the impacts of heteronormative white supremacist ideology while exhibiting a paper-thin knowledge of the historical context of the trauma inflicted on your people or community.

White “professionals” call themselves giving me advice all the time yet lash out whenever I offer them some counter-advice about addressing how their privilege, white privilege, and perspectives cultivated through a whiteness lens shape the advice they give. Every time it happens, I shake my head and keep it movin’. Real talk? They’ve just made my not listening to anything they say to “advise” me on how to live my life that much easier.

Your advice lacks validity if you can’t acknowledge how your advice might not work for everyone’s circumstances or how your advice could ignite or exacerbate trauma for folx from some communities.

What works for a white man rarely works for a Black woman.

What works for a queer-identifying white person usually doesn’t work for a queer-identifying person from a Global Majority community.

What works for a non-disabled person comes with many hurdles for someone with a disability.

If you’re out here trying to give advice but can’t take in how your power and positionality permeate your advice? You’re Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz.

And no one should want to be seen in the same light as Phil or Mehmet.

This Week's Opening Thought: February 13, 2023

This week's opening thought, especially for white people and Black people who have used Black women as the holders of their trauma and enmeshed white supremacist ideologies for centuries: Black women don't owe you anything.

They don't owe you knowledge or advice, labor, or entertainment. They don't owe you an "incredible" Super Bowl halftime show based on what you think you "deserve" to watch. They don't owe you 60+ hours per week in the workplace to do work you'll take credit for while still talking over them in meetings and disregarding their needs. They don't have to meet ridiculous capitalist and anti-Black expectations - expectations and pressure that you're harboring in your body and won't process yet expect a Black woman to hold and process for you - to be considered incredible or excellent. They don't owe you ego-stroking to cater to your white supremacist need for comfort. They don't owe you the opportunity to force them to shrink themselves, their goals, their joy, and their identities so you can feel good about your self-image, intelligence, or work ethic.

Black women owe you nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

But many of y'all owe Black women the world and then some, and you have for a very long time.

It's about time y'all paid what you owe.

This Week's Opening Thought: February 6, 2023

This week’s opening thought: a lot of generational and societal trauma comes with being Black in the United States. There’s no way it couldn’t. But the existence of this trauma does not mean that being Black is a joyless experience.

Far from it.

Please believe that Black communities live joyfully and engage in growth, love, and creativity despite the constant trauma outside our windows. Black joy is a daily occurrence, not a one-off or a unicorn. It always has been, and it always will be.

If you’re non-Black and you’re reading this (especially if you’re white or benefit significantly from your connections to white privilege and white supremacy), don’t allow the white supremacist-driven narrative that existing while Black is unhappiness and pain to permeate how you view Black joy. Instead, take a moment to understand and digest the amount of Black joy you witness in the music, art, culture, fashion, innovation, and discovery you get to consume every day. That joy and expression, regardless of peril, are what being Black truly is. Then take a moment to respect that joy, not as something unbreakable (the unbreakable myth is bullsh--) but as something vital to the health of our minds, bodies, and souls. View Black joy as a tool of Black survival and mindfulness in a world that views us as less than human. And acknowledge that when this white world hurts us, it can also harm our joy but never make that joy go away. Black communities find ways to keep those joy tanks full because we know how integral it is to breaking the chains of generational trauma. It’s not unbreakable; it’s like water.

Recognize that Black joy is Black history, a history crafted with hope and love despite the hatred that led to our enslavement on unceded land and the vestiges of that hatred that we are still subjected to every day. Quit looking at Black history as Black misery. It can exist as both pain and triumph, heaviness and joy.

Also, please take a moment to digest that the byproducts of Black joy we share with the world are beautiful things you’re getting to witness and engage with that impact your life daily. It’s not for you to commodify or exploit. It is for you to see the strength and glory of a people who could’ve easily succumbed to white supremacy yet are still here, thriving and contributing to a world that views our existence as dangerous with love and joy. Pay your respects accordingly.

And to my Black folx reading this: I wish you all the joy, not just during this short-ass month they “gave” us but the other 337 days of the year too. You deserve joy. Embrace your joy. Connect or re-connect with your joy. Let your joy fly freely. I am sending all the love and support I can from my soul to you and yours.

This Week's Opening Thought: January 23, 2023

TW: Mentions of domestic terrorism, anti-Asian hate, and white supremacy.

This week’s opening thought: Monterey Park. Alhambra, California. The Lai Lai Ballroom. A Lunar New Year celebration. Another traumatic event for AAPI communities. Another domestic terrorist attack.

I find myself once again deeply saddened by the weight of the trauma of domestic terrorism and anti-Asian hate as we come off of another weekend with a mass shooting. It hurts that, once again, melanated communities have trauma connected to a celebration of their communities and culture. It’s even heavier when the harm is at the hands of someone from one of your communities, who could’ve been celebrating with you instead of plotting harm against you.

The immense weight of trauma that AAPI communities carry from three-plus years of increased violence toward them at the hands of white supremacy and anti-Asian hate has to feel daunting.

Processing the generational and societal trauma that led to this weekend’s tragic events and the shooter taking the actions that he did must also feel daunting.

At this point, I don’t even know what to say anymore. There aren’t words that can make this pain go away. There’s only a long road to healing.

If there are folx from AAPI communities in your workplace, please give them the grace and support they need right now. That work deadline can f----g wait. Their communities have endured so much and are hurting right now. Give them time off without them having to ask for it or use PTO. Be a human, a vulnerable, empathetic human.

If there are folx from AAPI communities in your life – friends, neighbors, partners – be there for them as they grieve and try to heal. Be present, be vulnerable, and lend them an ear and a shoulder without adding your thoughts or narratives into the mix. Show them love without conditions. Don’t make it about yourself and your need to feel like a “good person.”

Sending love and healing to AAPI communities this week. I wish you grace and rest, healing and forgiveness, and the space to grieve without obligations and “work commitments” bearing down upon you and disregarding your needs. I’m here if you need me.