This Week's Opening Thought: July 24, 2023

Trigger warning: Anti-Blackness, colonization, genocide, oppression, talk of sexual assault and other forms of physical harm.

This week’s opening thought: Seeing how education in the United States is leaning into the narrative that Africans “benefited” from chattel slavery by “earning valuable skills” and Native and Indigenous tribes and communities “benefited” from the interjection of white colonizers instead of acquiring unwanted generational trauma and oppression, let’s talk about who “benefited” from the enslavement and assault of Africans and the near genocide of Native American tribes and communities at the hands of white colonizers.

Here’s a hint: it ain’t Black, Native, and Indigenous folx.

When the raggedy-ass pilgrims came to what we now call North America, they came here with no skillset on how to be stewards of the land. They damn near died during their first autumn and winter on this unceded land. It was Native Americans, the rightful inhabitants of this land, who saved their asses, shared resources and survival skills, and tried to share their land with their new neighbors.

The pilgrims repaid the decency extended to them by killing them, distributing their lands among white people they deemed more worthy of the land, and killing and harming generations of their children through residential schools. Why?

Because they felt that Native communities would “benefit” from being forced into assimilation and conformity to white supremacy.

Ultimately, white folx colonized the entire continent, usurped all its resources for their own needs, and rendered Native and Indigenous communities invisible through oppression and erasure.

Africans were kidnapped from the shores of their continent and sold to white colonizers throughout the Western colonies to be put to work through chattel slavery. Chattel slavery quickly became the primary labor force in the United States, mainly because white people still did not possess the skills and abilities needed to be stewards and keepers of the unceded land they stole through violence and viewed Black bodies as expendable and subhuman. They proceeded to enslave, assault, murder, abuse, rape, and work Black bodies to death for hundreds of years until emancipation made it technically illegal. Once chattel slavery was abolished, white colonizers struggled to maintain the plantations and farms that generated their wealth because they still lacked the skills and experience to be stewards of the land. White people damn near bankrupted the country they built on the land they stole. Black folx, meanwhile, would continue to face similar traumas and violence to their personhood by white folx who did not view them as human beings.

This treatment persists for Black communities in the United States through laws, unfettered hate crimes, and systems intentionally built to harm and oppress Black communities.

This treatment persists even though Black folx are still exploited by whiteness on every level you can think of with no sustainable advancement for generations of the descendants of enslaved Africans.

Does it look like Native and Indigenous tribes and communities “benefited” from what white people have done and continue to do to their people?

Does it sound like Black folx have “benefited” from chattel slavery, abuse, murder, and oppression?

The resounding answer is, “Hell no.”

White society thinks that acting like the heinous crimes their ancestors committed and they currently benefit from allows for the space to rewrite history to make themselves feel better. But like a peanut butter and dookie sandwich, they’d be dead wrong to the point where you can smell how wrong they are from a mile away.

You can use as many alternate facts as you want, white people. It does not change the legitimate and well-documented facts of colonialism, white supremacy, anti-Blackness, racism, and trauma your people continue to maintain and benefit from.

No matter how hard you try, you can’t burn or rewrite all the books. You're going to miss a few.

And most of y’all would benefit from reading some of the ones you miss, comparing notes, and opening your eyes and minds to the idea that white ain’t always right.

On Clothes, Comfort, Identity, White Supremacist Workplace Culture, and "Professional" Attire

It's wild to me that people who consider themselves "high-level professionals" still throw out "advice" around "professional" attire. Y'all ain't got nothin' better to do with your time? Don't you have a meaningless seminar to conduct somewhere for a bunch of "professionals" who don't want to be challenged but want to act as they have been for clout?

At the beginning of my career in Human Resources, I used to "dress the part": business casual from head to toe: polo shirts, khakis, dress shoes, short haircuts, no facial hair. I did it because I was keen on being taken seriously.

I hated that sh--.

Every morning I looked in the mirror, I could see it eating away at my soul. It made me feel inauthentic, like a caricature of myself. And I still wasn't being taken seriously. If anything, I was being treated like a token, which made me constantly sad and angry. I don't know what my breaking point was, but I got up one morning, and instead of grabbing a striped polo shirt, I grabbed a Batman t-shirt.

And I've never looked back.

The moment I stopped dressing like a corporate HR goon was when my career changed, for better and worse. But I would've never been able to embrace the better if I stayed in the space of conformity. I've lost opportunities, left money on the table, and endured trauma and harm because I don't fit the "professional" image that white supremacist workplace culture almost demands from melanated folx. But I'd rather have a few fewer dollars in my pocket than cosplay as a" professional" daily. And real talk?

Who cares about this clothing thing at this point?

Why is this nonsense still important to people?

For the past few years, we all have lived through a collective trauma event, and we're still coming out of the worst of it and trying to take care of ourselves, earn a living, and maintain a job or career. Why does anyone care if someone's wearing a Care Bears shirt and some pajama pants while doing their job? Did the work get done? If it did, what's the problem? Regardless of your positionality in a workplace, if you're spending time and energy judging somebody wearing flip-flops and board shorts, you need to see that this is a "you" problem. It sounds like you need to sit and unpack your ingrained white supremacist patriarchal need to police others and maybe look into why you want homogeneity and conformity in the workplace.

And don't pull out that "you represent [insert company here] and you should dress as such" defense. That's weak and archaic. Most companies don't have a dress code or enforce the ones they have. Most weren't verbalizing this "concern" until a damn pandemic found many of us at home sitting in our comfy clothing, realizing we don't need to be in business clothes and uniformity all the damn time to be considered good at what we do.

Sheesh. Let it go, y'all. It is not the key to success some of y’all act like it is.

One of these “business gurus” recently posted, "Dress not as who you are but who you want to be." The first thing that popped into my head was, "Well, I wanna be a happy, healthy, comfortable, joyful, thicc Black man who wears t-shirts that display my voice and interests."

I'd say I'm nailing it.

Let's make the space for others to nail it too.

On Cis Men, My Father, and Self-Regulation

As a cisgender man who has learned and continues to learn ways to self-regulate and practice mindfulness in a world that constantly attacks my intersectionality, let me say that I am EXHAUSTED with dealing with cisgender men who refuse to learn how to self-regulate and the apologists in their lives who coddle them and defend their toxicity. Where? At work, in the community, everywhere. I’m exhausted with this nonsense. And I’m exhausted because I’ve been dealing with this and fighting against how effortless it is to fall into this toxic and dangerous societally structured complacency my entire life in what feels like a losing battle.

I grew up with a father with no self-regulation skills who could not take in feedback or differing perspectives outside his own. He couldn’t take someone holding him accountable for his actions. He was not in touch with his feelings, emotions, or mental states, and we all suffered. My mother indulged him and defended his actions too many times, leaving my siblings and me to live in a home with a man who was constantly angry and lashing out at all of us at volume twenty over things as simple as taking out the trash. I left home at 16 because I was tired of dealing with his energy and constant threats of violence over every little thing. I’ve spent my entire adult life deprogramming myself so that I would not be a man like my father, only to find myself in a profession that gives me nothing but “opportunities” to protect and support people who have to work and live with men like my father.

And so many of y’all are like my father in how oblivious or uncaring you are about how harmful your unhealthiness is to those around you in all aspects of your life.

I’m tired of it, y’all. I'm tired of conversing with men who push back against the notion of being healthier and place the burden of their mental and emotional well-being on everyone else in their lives. I’m tired of cis men talking down to me or treating me like I’m “not man enough” because I lead with empathy and concern, even if I’m calling them in over their actions and impacts while they continue scaring everyone in their lives at least once a day. And I'm tired of how often these conversations and situations have white cis men at the center of the storm, placing themselves in the victim role while victimizing others.

We need legitimate accountability like yesterday for all cis men, melanin or none. And that accountability has to start with cis men holding themselves and other cis men accountable, followed by a dismantling of the codependence and ingrained toxicity of people who defend cis men's unwillingness to be more mentally and emotionally healthy as acceptable and “not a big deal” even when it puts them in danger.

Cis men: it is not OK to lash out at everyone and everything because you're having a "bad day" or had an interaction this morning that didn't stroke your ego or align with your narrow worldview of whose voice and opinions matter.

Cis men: it is not OK to escalate your voice and physical actions to threatening and possibly violent levels over any conversation or situation that doesn't go your way or leaves you feeling like you're being undervalued or your thoughts are disregarded. People have the right to disagree with you, not place you at the center of the universe, and expect you to be able to deal with not always getting your way or work to find some compromise. Do you know how many people and communities feel disregarded, undervalued, erased, and invisible and don't proceed to intimidate, scare, harm, or kill others? You need to get in touch with your emotional and mental centers just like everybody else.

Cis men: it is not OK for others to have to constantly share space with you, walking on eggshells because they feel that they have to be vigilant and tuned into trying to soothe and regulate you because you're unwilling to do this for yourself, and not burden others with your unwillingness to take care of your emotional and mental stability.

Cis men: you are not "victims of a changing world." If anything, you've been victimized by societal norms and familial systems from an archaic time that has bred you to believe that your behavior and unwillingness to regulate your anxiety, anger, and frustration in even the most mundane situations is somehow acceptably masculine and that being in touch with your mental and emotional health and well-being is considered the opposite. You've been victimized by the ingrained generational patriarchal belief that you don't have to change and that the evolving world should bend to your needs. But the victimhood in these matters ends there. It is up to you to learn and unlearn so that you can regulate, self-soothe, and not threaten others because cis men who don't have these skills threaten so many intersections and communities. At this point, the overwhelming number of cis men who have harmed or killed others because of the toxic societally accepted "norms" of masculinity is too astounding to ignore.

And if the cis man I'm describing is your husband, partner, father, son, or close friend? You owe it to them and yourself to stop defending their vitriol, hold them accountable, and unpack your codependence so you can be healthier too.

It doesn’t have to be this way today and cannot continue being this way in the future.

Little cis boys deserve better modeling and support around being mentally and emotionally healthier than their fathers, grandfathers, and uncles.

We all deserve this.

Black Poetry Tuesdays (July 18, 2023 Edition): "dream where every black person is standing by the ocean” by Danez Smith

The week’s poem is a piece from Danez Smith. Danez is a queer-identifying, non-binary poet, writer, and performer. In 2014, Danez won the Individual World Poetry Slam and the Lambda Literary Award for Gay Poetry for their book [insert] Boy. Their poetry collection Don’t Call Us Dead was a finalist for the National Book Award in 2017. Danez’s work as a poet, writer, and performer lies at the intersections of Blackness, queerness, societal definitions of masculinity, desire, gender identity, trauma, and joy.

The following piece is called “dream where every black person is standing by the ocean.” In this piece, Danez focuses on the generational trauma of the ocean, to those Black lives lost through kidnapping and chattel slavery as Africans were shipped to sales hubs via boat. This piece, while brief, is layered with the weight of generational trauma and loss with melancholy hints of rebirth.

dream where every black person is standing by the ocean

& we say to her

what have you done with our kin you swallowed?

& she says

that was ages ago, you’ve drunk them by now

& we don’t understand

& then one woman, skin dark as all of us

walks to the water’s lip, shouts Emmett, spits

&, surely, a boy begins

crawling his way to shore

You can learn more about Danez Smith here.

This Week's Opening Thought: July 17, 2023

This week's opening thought: I'm very explicit with sharing with other white people that I have six white friends. The few white people I consider good friends are around because they are invested in the lifelong work needed to be better people. They are actively anti-racist, humble, and can take being called in or out if they drop the ball without positing themselves as victims and turning on the tears. Real talk?

I only kick it with real ones.

Real ones don't view their relationships with melanated folx as some form of credibility for doing the bare minimum to not be "as" racist. Real ones don't collect melanated folx as a defense for being racist (see: I have a Black Friend). And real ones don't expect the Global Majority folx they know to defend their white supremacist, racist, and anti-Black rhetoric, beliefs, and behaviors when someone calls them in or out.

To the white people who know me in some capacity personally and expect me to protect or save them from getting checked: you want to swim out into the deep waters of white supremacy and anti-Blackness? You can go for it. But you best wear some floaties because I ain't David Hasselhoff. The only bay watching that's gonna happen is me sitting on the dock of the bay watching you sink. I don't care how long you've known me; I will never defend you when the thing you want me to protect you from is atoning for your hateful beliefs, actions, and rhetoric toward the melanated masses and my people. And if that is your expectation for our relationship?

Time to bone up on your breaststroke and butterfly.

And to the white people who know me offline: if you have to ask if you are one of the six? You aren't. And we're currently not accepting applications.

Image description: a four-panel meme. In the first panel, a white hand reaches out of an ocean, looking for help. Next to the hand is the caption, "White people I know hoping I'll defend them when they do or say something racist because they think we're close friends." The second panel shows a hand with a chocolate hue reaching toward the white hand. The third panel shows the chocolate-toned hand giving the white hand a high five. The chocolate-toned hand is captioned with the word "Me." The fourth panel shows the white hand sinking underwater with a few fingers still cracking the surface.

[Image description: a four-panel meme. In the first panel, a white hand reaches out of an ocean, looking for help. Next to the hand is the caption, "White people I know hoping I'll defend them when they do or say something racist because they think we're close friends." The second panel shows a hand with a chocolate hue reaching toward the white hand. The third panel shows the chocolate-toned hand giving the white hand a high five. The chocolate-toned hand is captioned with the word "Me." The fourth panel shows the white hand sinking underwater with a few fingers still cracking the surface.]