This week's opening thought for melanated folx: at some point in time, we have to talk about the generations of codependence many of us are carrying in our brains and bodies.
We have to talk about how codependence has impacted how we navigate the world. We have to talk about how the roots of our codependence often lie at the intersection of ethnocultural toxicity and societal norms. We have to talk about how at the core of our codependence, we can usually find a cocktail of systemic oppression, racism, and white supremacy that many of us grapple with every day.
We have to talk about how codependence has led many of us into overextending ourselves in a quest to help everyone and fix everything, to the detriment of our mental, physical, and emotional health. We have to talk about how for many of us, our codependence led us into careers in community work and equity and anti-racism work. Then we have to talk about how that work is killing our brains, bodies, and souls because we have only ever had to engage with being codependent, not being healthy while helping others, and maintaining healthy boundaries. And when we talk about this work killing parts of us, we also have to be willing to have honest conversations about the toll of this work. We have to talk about being honest with organizations that want to hire us to "fix" their racism, equity, and inclusion problems about the toll of this work. And we have to talk about it with clarity and an understanding that the work is theirs to do and not your responsibility, regardless of pay.
We have to talk about how codependence has been modeled for us by our parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents and forced upon us as "taking care of our own" instead of the lack of boundaries and self-care that it is. We have to talk about how the codependence fostered in us from an early age has made many of us feel inadequate and like we're failing at work and in our families. We have to talk about how we can break the cycle and make sure this codependence isn't passed on to the next generation by engaging in the uncomfortable work of unpacking our codependence. And by doing that, we have to talk about having honest conversations about our codependence with family members, parents, and grandparents while crafting and maintaining healthy boundaries in those relationships.
Look, I know this sounds daunting, and some of it hurts when you read it. But you deserve to be healthy – personally, professionally, within your family, and workplace. It's a lifelong journey of unpacking and maintaining, fighting the urge to do it all and fix everything because taking care of everyone and everything but yourself is in your DNA. From my ongoing experience as a recovering codependent, I can tell you that it's not easy, but it's worth it.
Take care of yourself today so the weight of our generational trauma is lessened for the next generation.
That's how you take care of your family and community.
