This Week's Opening Thought: May 13, 2024

Trigger warning: Mentions of sexual assault, misconduct, homophobia, and misogyny.

This week's opening thought: I saw a lot of mind-numbingly fragile takes from cis men during the "Bear or Man" debate. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. But one of the dumbest "hot takes" I stumbled upon was from a cis man of pallor who wrote a whole dissertation around arguably the weakest "not all men" stance possible:

Not supervised men.

Yes, you read that right.

This dude wrote a whole diatribe stating that cis men aren't a danger to women and femmes when other men are around to check them on their behaviors.

Does anybody want to tell him, or should I?

The deluded belief that the majority of cis men stop other cis men from harming women and femmes made me want to take a nap. In a country founded through cis men of pallor-driven lynch mobs, where cis male-perpetrated hate crimes have reached all-time highs, and where those who have been sexually harassed and assaulted by cis men rarely get the consistent levels of justice they deserve for their assailants, to think that somehow a group of cis men standing nearby deters the dangerous and toxic nature of masculinity is so off-base it makes my brain hurt. One, the idea that we need to "supervise" grown-ass men to stop them from possibly harming someone speaks volumes about our societal culture. Two, I grew up in a woman-led household with a father who modeled how not to treat women and femmes. I've spent my whole life checking cis men on their behaviors. I've gotten into physical altercations over this sh--.

And other men were standing right there, either saying nothing or participating in trying to shame me for "not being a bro."

I worked in human resources for a college a few years back whose maintenance department was ripe with sexual harassment and intimidation. One team member, a woman, had to leave the college after team members sexually harassed her and made lewd passes at her all the time. One cis man came forward to state his discomfort with cis men in the department simulating acts of sexual assault toward other cis men in the department, himself included. When I addressed these issues with the department directors, they chuckled and said, "You know, boys will be boys," I swiftly said, "No. No, they aren't. I've never thought I should come to work and simulate sex acts or harm others. I don't know any 'boys' that do that." The room went quiet, with a few men holding their heads low or avoiding eye contact altogether. At that moment, I knew they had all witnessed these things for months and years and decided not to speak up or speak out.

A week later, they requested that I no longer be one of their primary HR contacts.

So, no, "not supervised men" ain't gonna fly.

Hell, I'm a cis man, and I'd rather deal with the bear.

[Image description: a comic panel of a bear embracing a woman. The woman shouts, "My hero!" as the world burns behind them.]

Image description: a comic panel of a bear embracing a woman. The woman shouts, "My hero!" as the world burns behind them.

This Week's Opening Thought: May 6, 2024

This week's opening thought: Every Black and Brown person I know, every person of culture I know, has a kazillion skills and proficiencies at their disposal. It comes with the territory of being melanated in a world of pallor. Many of us have random skills we've acquired because we had moments where we've worked jobs to survive or added something to our repertoire to keep the jobs we have. I've been working since the age of 13. I've worked in everything from retail to non-profits and colleges. I've worked with contractors and programmers. I've managed multiple storefronts and led numerous teams in leadership roles. I've trained people in every sector you can think of. I have a wide array of skills and experiences I can draw upon in almost any situation.

And that's why I only show about 10% of what I know 95% of the time, tailored to the job.

You see, white supremacy drives people of pallor to only be "impressed" by people like me if I somehow constantly provide proof that I'm qualified to be considered impressive. And after you do all of that showing and proving? White supremacy dictates that you're supposed to accept being used by people of pallor to cover the deficiencies and dysfunctions of workplaces and systems that you're not welcome in. The more skills you bring to the table, the more workplaces of pallor believe you should do.

Of course, this doesn't extend to the people of pallor working in these workplaces who are given leeway to be mediocre. They don't have to be exceptional. They just need to be likable, pliable, average, and meet the bare minimum work requirements to be considered a "team player."

Melanated folx never have that luxury.

I can count on both hands twice how many folx in leadership roles have tried to use me because they saw I had a skill that had nothing to do with my job but was lacking in their workplaces. And I can count again how many times I put up a boundary only to be punished and be told that I'm "not a team player."

The "workhorse/pack mule" ideology that is at the base of white supremacy still exists in the brains and bodies of people of pallor and the workplaces they've created. Workplaces of pallor make it known that melanin will always equal being expected to do way more than you signed up for and having every skill you have exploited as your co-workers of pallor get raises and promotions they didn't earn.

If you're a person of culture reading this, you're likely overqualified for your job. You've probably got years of real-world work experience and skills you've learned. Five problems are going on in your workplace that you have a solution for. But these workplaces don't deserve all of you. They haven't earned all of you. Don't let them walk you into a co-dependency trap driven by white supremacy. Keep your skills you don't get paid for to yourself.

Let one of those higher-paid mediocre co-workers you're surrounded by every day figure it out.

I feel honored to participate in this year's One Minute for Mental Health campaign as part of Mental Health Awareness Month!

Anyone who knows me personally or follows my work knows how much mental health is a central part of my life. I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to share that message within this platform.

Thank you to Lizzie Schooler and Reggie Wideman for the opportunity to talk about something many of us grapple with and encounter daily: feeling like we have to say we're OK when we're far from it.

Please feel free to share your thoughts below. Let's talk about it!

This Week's Opening Thought: April 29, 2024

This week's opening thought: If you live in the United States of America, you live in a country that is super-OK with genocide being levied out by those they've accepted as allies in pallor while being more than willing to take military action against student protestors who are speaking out against this genocide with nonviolence.

I just wanted to throw that out there in case you're living in the United States and want to continue looking the other way so you don't have to face the reality of what it really means to be “proud to be an American."

And for those "proud Americans" who want to consider themselves neutral in all of this? I hope you know that neutrality is passively siding with oppression.

How proud you must feel.

On Being Called the "Whisperer"

Hey, people of pallor with power and privilege and those who seek to curry the favor of white supremacists and "societal norms!" Here's your Wednesday reminder that a person being melanated and sharing their experiences navigating white supremacy in your workplace does not mean that person wants to be your "racism whisperer." The same goes for queer-identifying folx not wanting to be your "LGBTQIAA+ whisperer" and people with disabilities not wanting to be your "disability whisperer."

We didn't sign up for that.

We want to do our jobs well enough to be proud of our work and keep our jobs while dodging your ever-increasing scrutiny of our work due to your unwillingness to unpack your sh-- and then go home. If we share an experience we've had with you in the workplace, it was likely shared to educate you to the point that you will hopefully quit doing us and people like us ongoing harm.

You will never pay us enough to be a "whisperer" about anything in your white supremacist workplace environments. No money can ever supplant that sick feeling we often get in our guts when we have to be around you, listen to you say hateful and ignorant things, and mull over when is the right time to educate you instead of telling you where to go and how to get there. No money will ever aid our nervous systems in not feeling like the moment we put ourselves out there to gently call you in or teach you that our livelihoods are in danger. No money will ever make us feel OK with being tokenized by you, pushed to share our stories repeatedly with you, or make the number of boundaries we must have while in your workplace to exist and not be harmed by you feel any less burdensome.

Leave us be and digest what we shared with you. Own your actions instead of commodifying human beings.